Feeling Like You Aren’t Enough

Most of my life I’ve felt like I was wasting potential. I spend my time constantly comparing myself to others who are far more intelligent than I or more successful or prettier or more sociable—whatever it may be.

I’ve been “accepting” rejection since December 17th, 2014 when my dream school deferred me. Today I received an email telling me I hadn’t received the fellowship I spent hours upon hours perfecting the application for. This semester is going to ruin my beautiful 4.0 as I (mostly likely) receive two Bs and one C. SO OBVIOUSLY I feel pretty sucky, to put it in the best way possible. When all of this is presented on the table and I fearfully face my failures, I just. want. to. cry. And boy do I. (This is my public apology to everyone who has asked me how I’m doing this semester and I started crying: sorry) I also eat a lot of ice cream (and then regret it deeply).

So, even though I literally feel as though my world is basically crashing down and on average I get 4-5.5 hours of sleep each night, my problems are minuscule and I should face them with resiliency. The world only sucks if you think it sucks, ya know? And if you’re like me struggling with your 19 hours, blatant inadequacy, and the financial burdens that follow you around everywhere you go (S/O to Harlaxton and rent), here are some personal reminders I think of whenever I want to run away to Florida and go undercover as an orange grove worker and investigate the treatment of migrant workers.

Be patient with yourself. Nothing in nature blooms all year.

 Change your thoughts and you’ll change your world.

You don’t have to have it all figured out to move forward.

Thinking positively isn’t about expecting the best to happen every time, but accepting that whatever happens is the best for this moment.

I have so much to do that I’m going to bed.

Ok maybe the last one is a joke because I definitely do not sleep EVER, but it’s the wanting to sleep that counts. Or something? And yeah I may be drowning in homework (and actual water because I lost my umbrella at a doctor’s office last week) and hate everything and just want ice cream and Enrique Iglesias to make everything better, but sometimes you HAVE to keep on keepin’ on. Maybe I will get an A on my test tomorrow. Maybe my pants will dry before I stand up (GOD I HOPE SO IT LOOKS LIKE I PEED). Maybe that cute international guy I like will text me. Maybe Donald Trump won’t win the Republican Party bid. But most likely, every thing will turn out just as it’s supposed to be and Lord willing, I will accept it with a smile on my face and gratitude for just being alive.

Forever doing homework,

Rachel

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s